Well, it's that time of year again, folks...  The time when Jennie goes insane trying to forget that she's not 12 anymore.  Fuck the passage of time, I wanna be a kid! 

To those who have been wondering at my absence, yes I am indeed cutting back on MySpace.  Most of the people on my MySpace are back in Sacramento, where I desperately want to be.  I don't miss the city, really.. Just the people in it. 

I miss being able to go driving in the middle of the night with my little brother, just because neither of us can sleep. 
I miss going out to coffee with my dad, which was really nothing more than an excuse to spend hours just talking about everything in our lives.
I miss calling up my best friend, saying "I'm bored", and having him rush over so we can go hang out.
I miss getting up in the morning and knowing that I have people around me that love me and want to be near me.
I miss knowing where the fuck I'm going when I get in the car!!!!! 

We never really got lost on any of those drives... We had fun just seeing where roads would end, but between the two of us, we already knew the answer to that question most of the time.  We would drive and drive, listening to music, singing along (badly most of the time), and talk.  We'd talk about anything and everything, about books, music, movies, friends, dating, life in general...  It was the first time I really felt CONNECTED to another member of my family besides my mother.

My family, and therefore most of my heart, is back in California.  I am happy to be here in Sioux Falls with Jerry, but my entire support network was yanked out from under me...  It's like that fear I've had for so long, of overassuming how much someone cares about me.  It's a childish fear, I know, but it's real.  For as long as I can remember, the disappointment of finding that I was safely enveloped in a love that only existed in my mind has been such a huge fear, it's left me sobbing into my pillow at night.... and it's back. 

Haven't any of you ever wondered why I put so few expectations on you when it comes to your love?  It's because I am so petrified of trusting that you really care, only to find out that you don't....  It's a crippling terror, and even writing about it now is making me want to cry.  I always figured, if I don't expect much from people, I won't be horrendously misguided in my belief.  Waiting for it to happen is like waiting for a gunshot to go off... You know it's coming eventually, and you just want it to be over so you can start repairing the damage.

I know I'm codependent.  I know I have issues stemming very far back into my childhood.  I know I have control issues.  Here's the thing, they're all tied together.  I want to control all the relationships in my life because I am afraid of having things out of my control... If things are out of my control, they can go in a way that will hurt me, and often do.  If I can control relationships, I can keep them on a level that ensures they won't disappear... that the people in my life won't disappear. 

This is me rambling, and these are the things that have been in my head over the past 24 hours.  I trust all of you with this secret, because I want to show you that, no matter how much I may not express it, I love you all and appreciate VERY much that you love me (or at least tolerate me).  I am terrified of rejection, and not just the "ew get away from me" rejection... I am terrified of investing my own heart in something, in someone, and having them turn me away after I believed they would not.  It's like being a little kid again, and reaching up for a hug, expecting to get one, hoping for one, dreaming of and craving that touch from someone you love, only to have them slap you instead. 

All I want is a hug.......

... ... ... ...  It snowed here today.


... ... ... ...  That is all.

Looking to make extra MONEY for the holidays?
Join our TEAM selling Mia Bella's Gourmet Candles.
They are Triple Scented, Burn Virtually Soot Free,Non-Toxic, Cotton Wicks, Scent is the same from top to bottom.

For every sale you make, you get 15%, payable IMMEDIATELY upon completion of a customer's order. (Once they pay, you get paid)
There is also a $50 bonus for referrals.

Not too bad, huh? YOU PAY NOTHING TO ME! This isn't one of those "pay me $XXX and I'll tell you how to make money" scams. You pay me nothing EVER. You sell the products that are listed on the website, get the customer to order directly through us instead of the site (we're cheaper anyway), and voila! You get paid. :) Simple, right? Then email me for the details!!! jens.scents @ gmail.com :D

Okay, so this is where I am supposed to make promises to update on a regular basis, as well as tell you what I plan to post in this journal.  Right?  Well, I am sorry to say you will most likely be very disappointed.  I don't know how often I plan to update this journal, probably as often as something worth blogging about happens.  Other than that, don't expect daily or weekly updates on the mundane events of my life.

I can promise no more than that I will update when I remember to, or when I feel guilty about not updating sooner.  :)  Sometimes these updates will be pertinent information, other times they will simply be a collage of the online quizzes I take when I am bored and manic.  If I'm not using that time to repaint the house.  At 3 AM.  Sadly, I am not joking.

Here is what I can offer you, and warn you about, at this point.  My posts will most likely be rambling, ranting, and incoherent.  They will be about things happening in my life, either events or emotions, that I feel a need to expel from my own mind and express to the anonymity of the internet.  Most of the time, comments will not be necessary, however they are always accepted and appreciated (and replied to).  If I don't want comments on a blog, I will simply remove the option. :)

If a post is not accessible to you, do not take personal offense.  It is most likely because I didn't feel like sharing the contents with the masses that browse LiveJournal for something to do, and would prefer to share my thoughts with those I actually know.  If you are one of those (and I would hope so, if you are reading this), and want access, PLEASE tell me.  I am not a mind-reader (contrary to what my husband and brother think), and I don't know if someone wants access without them telling me. 

There WILL be times that I will deny access to certain things.  These are meant for me personally, and I don't give out the information to those private blogs to ANYONE.  Think of it like a diary, with one of those cheesy locks on the outside.  Would you be offended if I didn't give you a key to that?  Of course not!  So if a post is locked to you even after you gain access to the other posts, please don't take personal offense.

For now, that's it.  I am sorry if this first post seems like rules on a forum, but I would prefer to be clear about what I want from my own journal.  Those of you who know me know why I'm doing this, and if you don't... well, haven't we already established that you should ask?